I’ve read two amazing books recently ; The subtle art of not giving a f*ck, The psychology of money. Both gave me valuable information about the personal growth. The best takeaway was “Taking responsibility”. This is the topic that comes up often these days; at work as well as in my personal life. And as I read, I came to realize that I had a wrong idea of how “responsibility” works.
My understanding was aligned with what the society think about it; as a burden, something that we would rather not to have. That is why people often say “Do not run from the responsibility” because everyone wants to run from it. It is considered as something that restricts us.
For example, we are taught to drink responsibly. What does that mean? It means to say “Drink within your own capacity so that you won’t cause any troubles to others”. And what do you do when you break that rule? Bad things happen and you have to apologize or compensate for what you did, right?
So, naturally, I’ve identified “responsibility” as something painful, something to avoid.
Here’s another example. As we make thousands of decisions every single day, there would be bad ones as well. Those moments really let us down. And we, as responsible adults, are supposed to learn a lesson or two from those circumstances. So that we won’t make the same mistakes ever again.
That was what I have been believing to be the case. In my mind, that was what it takes to be a grownup. To know what would be the best choice all the time.
After reading two books, however, I realized that this way of thinking only makes me boring and weak. And this is exactly why this world is full of dull adults.
What I should do is that instead of taking responsibility when things go wrong, I should take the full responsibility before taking the action.
This is very subtle. It feels like as though nothing has changed. The truth is, however, this empowers me like no other. Because in this way, results have no power, they are just part of the process. They don’t sway my mood as they did for too long. Here is how I do it.
It is actually consisted of pretty simple four steps:
- Be aware of own choices
- Ask myself which choice would be best aligned with my core value
- Execution
- Review what happened
The reviewing is not important. I can’t change what I did. The most important part is the second one as this is where I take responsibility. I have to be very careful when I make every decision though, because in the end, those decisions define who I am. Even small things, like being a little lazy at work, not getting up early in the morning, not making bed, skipping workout or drinking too much. I always have a choice, even when I feel like there isn’t. It is often my ego that blinds me from choices.
So when the choices are clear and I know which one goes well with my value, I make the decision. At this moment, I have the full responsibility of my life. In other words, in every situation, I can explain myself clearly. Even when the result is bad, I still can confidently say “That was the best I could do”.
What I found difficult was though, to see each decision in action. Life is not a collection of snap photos. It is a movie. We don’t go from one place to another all of sudden. Everything has a process. So when I make a decision, I have to try to envision not only what happens in next second, but also how it’s going to change the course of my life in a long run. And again, small things matter.
So as you can imagine, doing this process over and over, everyday, and every minute is pretty tough. It is exhausting. Sometimes I just wanna go with flow…if there’s such a thing. And this is one of the choices too. So I gotta ask myself if going with flow is aligned with my value?
I’m pretty sure I’ll get used to it soon enough. And as for now, doing this makes the most sense anyways, I’ll keep it up.
Nobu’s blog 